In 2009, I brought up so many questions to me and to the world. I even thought, “how could I live without asking that many questions?”
To me, the biggest change is my student status from undergraduate to graduate. I was too much accustomed to doing my best for given tasks such as reading textbooks, understanding the content, and sometimes memorizing stuff, so conducting my own research was (is still) a big big obstacle to me. Not only was it a matter of ignorance of how-to, I did lose confidence as well. Maybe this is the starting point of so many questions popping in and messing up my head. Many of graduate students I know are pressed by stuff that their advisors ordered them. That may be burdensome, but in some aspect, they do not need to wander around looking for something that makes everybody happy. In my case, because I was not forced to move in a way that was asked for by other people, and rather I had much freedom to choose my research topic and budget my schedule, I should keep asking “what is a good way?” One day, this topic seems fun, but a few weeks later, I lose my interest. One day, another thing interests me, but after a few days, I find out how stupid it is to work on it. Walking through this process repeatedly, I wanted and tried to find what I really like, what is valuable in my life. I opened myself to all possibilities, including changing my major, not to be limited by my custom and occupying knowledge. What was my childhood dream? What do I enjoy? And recently, what is my study style? What really gives me the feeling of achievement? Prof. Chulsoo Ahn, on TV show 무릎팍도사, said
The life of a person who seeks what he really likes might be slow, but it is the successful life.
I became able to understand people who hesitate to turn their life journey toward their dream. Time flies, life’s too short. It is not easy to be free from what I used to be. I guess this freedom can be achieved through asking questions and questions.
The year 2009 started with joy and hopes, from the trip to Thailand to the excitement about graduate school. But it ended up with unanswered questions, not enough self-esteem, concerns about the future, and particularly health problems of my neighbors. There must be things that I gained, too. I became more honest to myself. I gave myself careful consideration. I want to believe that 2009 was the time to start finding clues about a tangle in me. Untangling the thread should be my on-going work throughout my life, and I hope the thread to be woven into the most beautiful artwork.